Élavahtor®

This late-night television commercial begins in black and white with a unkempt, miserable looking guy shambling along in a dingy shirt, rumpled tie, and wrinkled trousers. By the end of the first paragraph of the narration he has morphed into a well groomed, happy, confident fellow in a pressed white shirt, smooth red power tie, neatly creased gray trousers with women on either arm. The women could be best described as curvaceous, attention-starved, chesty starlets in skimpy outfits.

[Note, with each paragraph, the narration becomes more rapid.]

Do you ever feel listless, lethargic, hopeless, as if all the light has been sucked out of even the sunniest days, as if you are a useless pathetic excuse for a human being, a pimple on the arse of creation, and such an utter waste of oxygen that you, too, would have apologized for getting shot in the face by the Vice President? Have you ever wondered how you could possibly make it through one more day feeling even more miserable an excuse for a person than a used car salesman, a politician, and an HMO case manager combined? If so, then Wesayso Pharmacorp (a division of Global Megacorp, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Halliburton) may have the answer you gave up looking for. Ask your doctor about Élavahtor®, the revolutionary anti-depressant.

Side effects range from ABSOLUTELY NONE WHATSOEVER to perhaps-arguably-better-than-a-slow-agonizing-death. Possible side effects include dandruff, drowsiness, dry mouth, mild fever, mild nausea, blurred vision, slurred speech, acne, halitosis, patchy baldness, clammy blotchy green skin, distended eyeballs (a.k.a. frog eyes), black gums, brown teeth, hairy palms, oily farts, scurvy, deafness, auditory hallucinations, delusions of adequacy, tunnel vision, blurry vision, double vision, Univisión, disorientation, projectile vomiting, explosive diarrhea, projectile diarrhea, explosive vomiting, gangrene, amnesia, prescience, a third breast, narcolepsy, insomnia, hydrophobia, acrophobia, agoraphobia, arachnophobia, claustrophobia, triskaidekaphobia, Francophobia, necrophilia, kleptomania, paranoia, gullibility, masochism, environmentalism, capitalism, Judaism, communism, Catholicism, ostracism, Unitarianism, fetishism, polytheism, bilingualism, atheism, anthropomorphism, antidisestablishmentarianism, aphasia, Turret’s Syndrome, cat-scratch fever, boogie-woogie flu, erectile dysfunction, frigidity, rapid heartbeat, intermittent heartbeat, spontaneous amputation, despair, self-doubt, suicidal ideation, and the heartbreak of psoriasis.

If blindness occurs, immediately contact a seeing-eye dog agency. If you experience projectile vomiting, get your seeing-eye dog one of those canine rain slickers, and try to avoid slipping on the regurgitant. At the onset of explosive diarrhea, treat immediately with a cork and/or adult diapers. If your arms fall off (i.e. spontaneous amputation), find someone with a scatological fetish to change your diapers and/or wipe your ass. Should you experience despair and/or suicidal ideation, well, you just might be an utter waste of oxygen after all, so suck it up, you contemptible wimp.