The Great Office War

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Monica Goodling's LexisNexis Search String

When Williams left the Department in April 2006, she sent an email
to Goodling containing an Internet search string and explained:
“This is the lexis nexis search string that I use for AG appointments.”
The string reads as follows:
[First name of a candidate]! and pre/2 [last name of a
candidate] w/7 bush or gore or republican! or democrat! or
charg! or accus! or criticiz! or blam! or defend! or iran contra
or clinton or spotted owl or florida recount or sex! or
controvers! or racis! or fraud! or investigat! or bankrupt! or
layoff! or downsiz! or PNTR or NAFTA or outsourc! or indict!
or enron or kerry or iraq or wmd! or arrest! or intox! or fired
or sex! or racis! or intox! or slur! or arrest! or fired or
controvers! or abortion! or gay! or homosexual! or gun! or
firearm!

Full DOJ report here.

The Audacity of Hope... er... Populism

Obama's handlers, like Clinton's before him, know how to work a crowd.

Obama stalks across the international stage like he has been elected. It may well get him a stint in the Oval Office.

Yeah populism.

Look, there are lots of legitimate reasons to hate Bush. There are lots of legit reasons for denying the office to McCain. There may even be legitimate reasons for voting for Obama, but that other people like him shouldn't be one of them.

Populism hasn't served the world well.

I don't think there is any inherent defect in Obama that makes him dangerous. He isn't Hitler or Mao or Lenin. However, Populism brings such evil into the mainstream, it siphons off the energy of institutions, and betrays the spirit of the people. The end result is disenchantment, bad law, and economic loss.

The thing is that populism also is a sure-fire way to get into office.

Looking back at the Primary, it seems clear that Obama's handlers correctly identified a strategy to beat an experienced opponent... if neck and neck, act like you have already won and the people will assume that it is a done deal. It worked against Hillary.

Hillary was ahead in delegates and had a motivated base. There were plenty of delegates to go and a fight on the floor would probably have seated her as the nominee.

Obama wins. Why? Because he pretends to have already won. He stalks the country, having meetings with high-level persons about policies influenced by a SEATED president.

It worked and he is doing it again.

Obama and McCain are neck-and-neck. McCain is unquestionably the more experienced candidate. What do Obama's handlers do? They send him to meet with world leaders to discuss policies influenced by a SEATED president.

The thing is, if Obama was other than a stuffed shirt... If he had a scintilla of actual experience, maybe this wouldn't be pure populism. If he had the actual experience to be President and his opponent didn't trump him in every regard, such a trip might provide insight into his capacity to manage foreign affairs. Sadly, he has none of those skills and the trip does nothing but show that those of us who are influenced most by reputation and image like him.

Look, I've made no bones about my intentions. I am going to vote for McCain.

I don't think of myself as "smarter" than other people. I recognized that many Obama supporters have greater education and greater mental faculties than I do. However, intelligence is often betrayed by the desire to fit in, to do what everyone else does, to accept, without challenge, the assertions of others if those assertions are spoken loudly enough and resonate with our desires.

Johnson may have been hated and God knows the crowds gathered to oust him, but it was his legislative savvy, his connections to representatives, governors, and senators that allowed the Civil Rights Acts to go through. It was his commanding sense of duty that sent troops to enforce Congressional action.

Obama hasn't the stones for the latter and hasn't the skill, experience, or connections for the former.

FDR had the connections and competency in administration to push through legislation that he believed would help the US recover from the Depression. He had the will to coax America into WWII. I would not have favored his policies, had I been around back then, but FDR's skills at being a president are undeniable.

Obama has no experience on which to base an opinion as to whether he could command as FDR did. There is no reason to believe that he is another FDR.

Obama is more similar to JFK or Clinton than any President that I would have followed. Like JFK, he can stir up the crowds. And, I suspect, like JFK, it will end there... with a stirred-up population and no policy or determination to do anything about it. Like JFK, Obama will find that there is a huge difference between conceptualizing a "better world" and doing anything to get us there.

Like Clinton, he will find that it is a lot more satisfying to make big speeches than to attend to the day-in-and-day-out functions of an Administration. And, like Clinton, I suspect that an Obama Administration will be rudderless and corrupt. He will likely be the unknowing chief of a scandal-plagued tribe.

We had better bar-code the linens in the White House and catalog the silverware before another populist president takes office and fills it with children playing presidential staff.

Springfield woman’s lawsuit alleges discrimination against her monkey

SPRINGFIELD | A southwest Missouri woman has sued Wal-Mart, local health officials and Cox Health Systems, claiming they discriminated against her and her monkey named Richard.

Debby Rose of Springfield said in the lawsuit that the 10-year-old bonnet macaque helps curb a social anxiety disorder that can cause her to have panic attacks in public.

The suit contends the Springfield-Greene County Health Department lacked the authority to decide that Richard is not a service animal under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Health officials in 2006 sent letters to restaurants and grocery stores, advising them not to let Rose in with the monkey.

Rose also alleges she was denied access to Cox Health Systems facilities.

The three entities declined to comment on the lawsuit.

Man Arrested For Unlawful Photography

By Darius Radzius, Reporter / WJHL, Published: July 11, 2008

Nearly everyone carries a cell phone and it’s hard to find one without that camera feature. It’s convenient when you want to take that impromptu photo, but a Tri-Cities area man ended up behind bars after snapping a shot of a Johnson County sheriff’s deputy during a traffic stop.

The cell phone photographer says the arrest was intimidation, but the deputy says he feared for his life.

“Here’s a guy who takes me out of the car and arrests me in front of my kids. For what? To take a picture of a police officer?” said Scott Conover.

A Johnson County sheriff’s deputy arrested Scott Conover for unlawful photography.

“He says you took a picture of me. It’s illegal to take a picture of a law enforcement officer,” said Conover.

Conover took a picture of a sheriff’s deputy on the side of the road on a traffic stop. Conover was stunned by the charge.

“This is a public highway,” said Conover.

And it was not a place where there is a reasonable expectation of privacy as Tennessee code states. The deputy also asked Conover to delete the picture three times.

“He said if you don’t give it to me, you’re going to jail,” said Conover.

Under the advice of the Johnson County attorney, the sheriff would not comment and the arresting deputy said he didn’t want to incriminate himself by talking to us.

In an affidavit, the deputy said he saw something black with a red light which he thought was a threat. Conover was also arrested for pointing a laser at a law enforcement officer.

“At no time did I have a laser. I had an iPhone,” said Conover.

When you take a picture in the dark with Conover’s Apple iPhone, there is no flash or any light that comes from the phone that could be mistaken for a laser.

In a witness statement by a Mountain City officer, is says the deputy asked about the picture rather than looking for a laser.

“If you arrested me, wouldn’t you take the laser? If you arrested me, wouldn’t you take the camera?” said Conover.

He expects these charges to be dismissed.

“This guy maliciously arrested me, charging me with phony charges that he don’t even understand himself,” Conover said.

The American Civil Liberties Union would not comment on Conover’s case without fully reviewing the allegations, but told us there is no law that prohibits anyone from taking photographs in public areas, even of police. Taking photos is protected by the First Amendment. Conover is ordered to appear in a Johnson County court on August 6th.

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AFFIDAVIT OF COMPLAINT

GENERAL SESSIONS COURT OF JOHNSON COUNTY TENNESSEE
State of Tennessee vs. JOHN SCOTT CONOVER
Johnson County Case # 08-0816 70120 70121 70122

AFFIDAVIT OF COMPLAINT

I, the affiant named below, after being sworn, state under oath that on or about 06-08-2008 in MOUNTAIN CITY Johnson County, Tennessee, JOHN SCOTT CONOVER committed the offense(s) of violation(s) of T.C.A § 39-16-515 POINTING A LASER AT A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER 39-13-605 UNLAWFUL PHOTOGRAPHING IN VIOLATION OF PRIVACY 39-17-305 DISORDERLY CONDUCT. I further state under oath that the essential facts constituting the offense(s), the sources of my information and the reasons why this information is believable and reliable are as follows:

ON THIS DATE THIS OFFICER WAS ON A TRAFFIC STOP ON HIGHWAY 421 NORTH ABOUT .1 TENTH OF A MILE FROM JOHSON HOLLOW. THE INITIAL STOP OF A MULTI-COLORED MUSTANG WAS THAT THE DRIVER WENT ACROSS THE CENTER OF THE ROAD THREE TIME FROM COLD SPRINGS TO JOHNSON HOLLOW. UPON INVESTIGATION OF THE DRIVER THIS OFFICER NOTICED MR. JEFFERY DUNN IN THE BACK SEAT. RAN MR. DUNN LOCAL WARRANTS CHECK HE AHD CHILD SUPPORT SUMMONS. WHILE WAITING FOR THE PAPER WORK A HUMMER CAME BY WENT 30 TO 40 YARDS PAST US AND TURNED AROUND. THE HUMMER CAME TO A DEAD STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD ROLLED DOWN THE WINDOW AND POINTED SOMETHING BLACK WITH A RED LIGHT, THIS OFFICER TURNED TO THE OTHER OFFICER TO PROTECT HIM AND SAID [expletive] KEN. I THOUGHT HE WAS GOINT TO SHOOT US, THEN THE MAN SAID TO SMILE AS HE TOOK A PICTURE WITH OUT OUR CONSENT. THEN THE HUMMER WENT DOWN THE ROAD 30 TO 40 YARDS AND CAME BACK TOWARD US. PATROLMAN KEN LANE AND MYSELF STOP THE VEHICLE TO CHECK. THIS OFFICER ASKED THE MALE SUBJECT TO HAND OVER THE CAMERA OR TO DELETE THE PICTURE. THE MALE SUBJECT STATED THAT HE WAS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING AND GOT IRATE. THIS OFFICER ASKED FOR THE MALE SUBJECTS NAME HE STATE IT WAS JOHN SCOTT CONOVER. THIS OFFICER ASKED MR. CONOVER TO DELETE THE PICTURE TWO MORE TIMES, HIS WIFE EVEN TO HIM TO JUST DELETE THE PICTURE AND QUIT MAKING IT WORSE. THIS OFFICER CHARGED MR. CONOVER WITH THE ABOVE CHARGES AND WAS TRANSPORTED TO THE JOHNSON COUNTY JAIL FOR BOOKING BY PATROLMAN KEN LANE.

Affiant’s Signature: [signed - Deputy Starling R. McCloud]
Name (Printed): DEPUTY STARLING R. MCCLOUD

PROBABLY CAUSE DETERMINATION

Bassed on the affidavit of complaint, I find there is probably cause to believe that on the date set forth above in County, Tennessee the defendant committed the offense(s) of violation(s) of T.C.A § 39-16-515 POINTING A LASER AT A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER 39-13-605 UNLAWFUL PHOTOGRAPHING IN VIOLATION OF PRIVACY 39-17-305 DISORDERLY CONDUCT

(X) Defendant given citation or arrested without warrant
( ) Arrest warrant shall issue
( ) Criminal Summons shall issue

Date 6-7-08 [signed] Judge/Clerk/Judicial Commission

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WITNESS STATEMENT—Statement from Mountain City police officer on scene assisting Johnson County Sheriff’s Deputy.

On this date 06-08-08 this officer was on patrol, near McDonald’s. I heard Deputy McCloud by radio go 10-81 Hwy 421 North right acros from Ralph Stout Park. Then I heard checking three Driver License. I then headed his way. Upon my arrival I seen Deputy McCloud sitting in his vehicle with his emergency lights on. I pulled in behind him and turned my lights on. I went towards Deputy McClouds vehicle and asked him if everything was O.K. I told dispatch Center where I was. Deputy McCloud asked dispatch Center to get the other city Officer to retrieve the Criminal Summons on the subject in the vehicle. As we waited a Hummer was traveling South on Hwy 421. The driver drove by real slow. I watched the Hummer turn around and come back to Deputy McClouds traffic stop. The driver then stopped where we were. I seen a red light come on through the drivers side window, then this subject stated, “Smile, I’m going to take your picture. He then drove off traveling North on Hwy 421. I watched this same vehicle turn back around and Deputy McCloud asked me to stop this vehicle for him. I stopped the Hummer and Deputy McCloud asked the driver Why did you take our picture? Deputy McCloud then asked the driver to delete the picture and told him he could leave. The driver was Mr. Conover. this man became very irrate and started cursing. Deputy McCloud asked Mr. Conover just to delete the picture and he refused. this Officer heard the woman in the passenger seat say “Just Delete It.” Two children were sitting in the back seat as well. Deputy McCloud then placed Mr. Conover under arrest For Disorderly Conduct, Unlawful Photographing and Pointing a Laser at Law Enforcement Officers. Deputy McCloud asked Patrolman Ben May for his handcuffs. Two sets were used on this subject. Deputy McCloud then asked this officer if I would transport this man to the Johnson County Jail.

Officer Kenneth Lane
[signed - Kenneth Lane]
06-12-08

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WITNESS STATEMENT—Statement from Mountain City police officer who arrived on scene while officers were questioning driver of Hummer.

MOUNTAIN CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT STATEMENT FORM

ON JUNE SIXTH 2008, DEPUTY STARLING MCCLOUD, WITH THE JOHNSON COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT AND OFFICER KEN LANE WITH THE MOUNTAIN CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT, WERE ON A TRAFFIC STOP ON HIGHWAY 421. ONE OF THE SUBJECTS IN THE VEHICLE HAD A CRIMINAL SUMMONS TO BE SERVED. DEPUTY MCCLOUD REQUESTED THAT I, OFFICER BEN MAY WITH THE MOUNTAIN CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT, GO THE THE JOHNSON COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT AND PICK UP THE CRIMINAL SUMMONS THAT WAS TO BE SERVED. WHILE EN ROUTE TO THE TRAFFIC STOP, OFFICER LANE REQUESTED THAT I UPGRADE TO EMERGENCY TRAFFIC. UPON MY ARRIVAL I OBSERVED A WHITE, AND WHAT APPEARED TO BE A GOLD, COLORED FORD MUSTANG, SETTING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. DEPUTY MCCLOUD’S PATROL CAR WAS SETTING BEHIND THE MUSTANG. ALONG WITH OFFICER LANE’S PATROL CAR BEHIND DEPUTY MCCLOUD’S PATROL CAR. I ALSO OBSERVED A COPPER COLORED HUMMER SETTING IN THE SOUTH BOUND LANE ON HIGHWAY 421. OFFICER LANE AND DEPUTY MCCLOUD WERE SPEAKING WITH A MALE SUBJECT BESIDE THE LEFT SIDE OF THE HUMMER. THE MALE SUBJECT WAS OUT OF THE VEHICLE, WAVING HIS ARM’S AND APPEARED TO BE DISORDERLY. I APPROACHED THE MALE SUBJECT AND THE ABOVE NAMED OFFICERS. WHEN I GOT TO THE VEHICLE, DEPUTY MCCLOUD REQUESTED THAT THE SUBJECT SHOW HIM A PICTURE THAT HE HAD APPARENTLY TAKEN BEFORE MY ARRIVAL. THE MALE SUBJECT REFUSED TO COOPERATE WITH DEPUTY MCCLOUD. DEPUTY MCCLOUD THEN PLACED THE SUBJECT UNDER ARREST FOR DISORDERLY CONDUCT. DEPUTY MCCLOUD WAS PLACING THE SUBJECT IN HAND RESTRAINTS. WHILE DEPUTY MCCLOUD WAS PLACING THE SUBJECT IN HAND RESTRAINTS, THE SUBJECT DEMANDED THAT HIS DAUGHTER TAKE ANOTHER PICTURE. I THEN SEEN A YOUNG GIRL TAKE A PICTURE OF THE SUBJECT, DEPUTY MCCLOUD, AND MYSELF. DEPUTY MCCLOUD PLACED THE SUBJECT IN THE BACK OF OFFICER LANE’S PTROL CAR. DEPUTY MCCLOUD THEN FINISHED THE TRAFFIC STOP WITH THE FORD MUSTANG AND SERVED THE CRIMINAL SUMMONS. AFTER THE SUBJECT FOR DEPUTY MCCLOUD FINISHED THE TRAFFIC STOP, OFFICER LANE TRANSPORTED THE SUBJECT FOR DEPUTY MCCLOUD TO THE JOHNSON COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT. I WA NOT INVOLVED ANY FURTHER.

I SEAR THAT THE ABOVE STATEMENT IS TURE TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE.

[signed - Patrolman Ben May]

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TENNESSEE CODE

39-13-605. Unlawful photographing in violation of privacy. —

(a) It is an offense for a person to knowingly photograph, or cause to be photographed an individual, when the individual is in a place where there is a reasonable expectation of privacy, without the prior effective consent of the individual, or in the case of a minor, without the prior effective consent of the minor’s parent or guardian, if the photograph:
(1) Would offend or embarrass an ordinary person if such person appeared in the photograph; and
(2) Was taken for the purpose of sexual arousal or gratification of the defendant.
(b) As used in this section, unless the context otherwise requires, “photograph” means any photograph or photographic reproduction, still or moving, or any videotape or live television transmission of any individual so that the individual is readily identifiable.
(c) All photographs taken in violation of this section shall be confiscated and, after their use as evidence, destroyed.
(d) (1) A violation of this section is a Class A misdemeanor.
(2) If the defendant disseminates or permits the dissemination of the photograph to any other person, a violation of this section is a Class E felony.

39-16-515. Pointing a laser at a law enforcement officer. —

(a) It is an offense to knowingly activate and point a laser pointer or other device utilizing a laser beam at a person known to be a law enforcement officer while the officer is in the performance of the officer’s official duties with the intent to place the officer in fear of serious bodily injury or death.
(b) In order for subsection (a) to apply:
(1) The law enforcement officer must actually be placed in fear of serious bodily injury or death;
(2) The fear must be real or honestly believed to be real at the time; and
(3) Based upon the facts and circumstances surrounding the defendant’s conduct, the fear must be founded upon reasonable grounds.
(c) A violation of this section is a Class A misdemeanor.

39-17-305. Disorderly conduct. —

(a) A person commits an offense who, in a public place and with intent to cause public annoyance or alarm:
(1) Engages in fighting or in violent or threatening behavior;
(2) Refuses to obey an official order to disperse issued to maintain public safety in dangerous proximity to a fire, hazard or other emergency; or
(3) Creates a hazardous or physically offensive condition by any act that serves no legitimate purpose.
(b) A person also violates this section who makes unreasonable noise that prevents others from carrying on lawful activities.
(c) A violation of this section is a Class C misdemeanor.

Humor from YouTube

Movie Review - WALL-E

The high-price of movie tickets is inconvenient but tolerable when the movies are good. Of late, Hollywood has produced a fairly good run of flicks. I enjoy the special-effects in particular and, though the plots are often a rehash, I am not greatly disturbed by the lack of writing creativity.

Enter WALL-E.

The plot is simple enough- humans screw up the world with our waste and leave for a short trip. Hoping to return someday, we leave a cadre of robots behind to clean up our mess. The WALL-E class of robots slowly falls apart as one-by-one they fail. WALL-E keeps himself going by cannibalizing parts from failed robots and, over 700 years develops a human-like personality that collects the unique and beautiful.

Humans periodically send robots to Earth to search for evidence that life is possible.

When WALL-E finds a vine and saves it as part of his collection of beautiful things, the robot "EVE" collects the vine and the two of them begin the process of bringing people back to Earth.

Along the way, they fall in love.

Simple enough... So here is what makes me rank this movie among the three best movies of the last 20 years.

The love between WALL-E and EVE is clean and fresh. It is noble and selfless.

For example, WALL-E spends three seasons trying to get EVE to wake up, just so that he can be with her. He shields her from the sun and rain, exposing himself to the same elements. He tries to keep her warm in the snow, even though he freezes himself. In short, everything he does is designed not to show off for her but to serve her, to anticipate and meet her needs.

In return, EVE repeatedly faces destruction to save WALL-E from more advanced robots who seek to destroy him and the vine, rather than having people return to Earth.

Their love is eventually expressed with the simple action of holding hands.

The artwork is fresh and vibrant. The humor is delightful, with a combination of slapstick and clever plays on words and shots at human faults and frailties.

In short, this is the best Disney-Pixar film since The Lion King.

Never Ever Open A Law Professor's Refrigerator

Law professor Jack J. Rappeport ... is noted in legal circles for his wild stories about how his cleaning lady got impregnated with his seed.

The aging prof, who retired from full-time teaching at the university in 1984, was sued last year in Pima County Superior Court by Maryann Ortiz, who claimed Rappeport sired her child in 1985. Ortiz claimed she and Rappeport were lovers while she was employed by him. She was cleaning his house and taking care of his elderly mother in exchange for some legal work that Rappeport had done for her.

Ortiz, now 41 and a deputy clerk at Pima County Superior Court, sued for child support, pointing out that sophisticated genetic tests indicated that Rappeport was the father of her child. Rappeport ... insisted in court that he didn't recall ever having sex with Ortiz.

So how could Ortiz possibly have gotten pregnant? Rappeport offered some astonishing theories when he was questioned last November in a Superior Court trial. So flabbergasting that even the judge had to stifle a smirk. ...

Following is an excerpt from Rappeport's testimony elicited by Ortiz's lawyer, Gary Kneip--a former student of Rappeport's who pulled A's and B's in his classes:

• Kneip: How is it possible that you could be the father of this child without having had sexual contact with Maryann Ortiz?
• Rappeport: There are a number of ways. One is artificial insemination.
• Kneip: Did that happen in this case?
• Rappeport: I don't know.
• Kneip: You don't know whether artificial insemination happened?
• Rappeport: That's correct.
• Kneip: Are you a donor at a sperm bank here in town?
• Rappeport: No, I'm not a donor.
• Kneip: Okay. How would Maryann artificially inseminate herself with your sperm, Mr. Rappeport?
• Rappeport: I'm not quite certain if it even did occur, but there was a possibility of it occurring.
• Kneip: How would she get ahold of your sperm?
• Rappeport: She cleaned my office from time to time . . . and there was refrigerated sperm in the refrigerator during that time--during that period of time.
• Kneip: And so your theory--excuse me, your theory is Maryann got into your refrigerator and inseminated herself with your sperm. That's your testimony?
• Donald E. Gabriel (Rappeport's lawyer): Object to counsel's manner of asking the question--laughing.
• Kneip: I'm not trying to be facetious. Is that your testimony?
• Rappeport: I don't have any theory. You're asking how it's possible and that's what I told you, among other things. I don't know.
• Kneip: What would the other things be?
• Rappeport: I told you that I don't recall having any contact--sexual contact--with Maryann Ortiz, and that's the truth. I don't have any recollection of it. If this could occur at the time when I was comatose, that's a possibility.
• Kneip: Were you comatose in February or March of 1985?
• Rappeport: There was a period of time when I was under very heavy sedation for what has really never been truly diagnosed, but something that kept me from being able to walk.
• Kneip: And you were sedated and Maryann had access to your body? So that's a possibility? She may have what--raped you without your knowledge? Is that what you're telling us?
• Rappeport: I don't know if you want a technical definition of rape. I'm guessing. If, in fact, the child is mine, that's another possible way it happened.
• Kneip: That she had sex with you without your knowledge?
• Rappeport: Without me being aware of it, correct.

Apparently, Rappeport's testimony didn't persuade Judge Allen Minker, who ordered the professor to pay Ortiz about $500 a month in child support.

Restaurant Owner Takes Over Negotiations w/ North Korea

NJ Restaurant Owners AREN’T Diplomats!!!

I don’t know what this guy is thinking.

Maybe his pride got the better of him. Maybe he is just an IDIOT!!!

I cannot imagine that he is blind to the fact that the North Koreans are using him, that he is just a pawn.

Of particular concern is his intense pleasure in the idea that he interprets our culture for the North Koreans, that he is able to tell the North Koreans whether reactions to North Korean double-dealings is merely the politics of the Bush Administration or generally felt by other Americans. Even if he COULD speak for the rest of us, it is treasonous to do so.

I assume he never heard of Hanoi Jane.

Just a thought… maybe a bunch of the North Korean backsliding in negotiations is this jack-ass’ fault.

Bio: Ipsit Dixit

It occurred to me that I was a bit of a cipher to readers of this blog, and that the “profile” section was too artificial and restrictive. So, I decided to pull the following from my biographer’s last press release. (For those of you who already read it in the New York Times or The Economist,, I apologize for the repetition.)

Ipsit Dixit was a precocious lad, born at the age of 9 speaking three languages, including Atlantean, Venusean, Vulcan, Wookie, an obscure dialect of Low Gondwanalandish, and just a smattering of Laurasian. Unfortunately, though geniuses, his parents—brilliantly successful Hottentot contract scientists in das Deutschemarsautonomereichserlichkronkolonie (the famous domed Imperial German Autonomous Mars Colony, not die Volksübersiedlung, the notorious hardscrabble underground warrens so tragically championed by the Austrian anarchists)—failed to recognize any of little Ipsit’s native languages and so made no effort to speak anything but the corrupted version of Esperanto common among the coarser sorts of day laborers, which—interestingly—sounds like nothing so much as an unbroken string of curses enthusiastically enunciated by a drunken sailor who has simultaneously stubbed his toe and dropped his wallet off the pier. As a result of the fourth law of thermodynamics: “Use It or Loose It”, he quickly became a monolingual boy wonder. (You know the sort: You look at a person and say, “Boy, I wonder if he was dropped on his head as a baby?”)

Ipsit Dixit was orphaned at the tender age of 41 when his parents faked their deaths in a bizarre malfunction of an experimental trans-temporal modulator/toaster-oven. Abandoned on the teacup ride in EuroDisney, he was adopted by a pack of roving Civil War re-enactors who taught him 101 uses for fake blood (including as part of an excuse for speeding or leaving work early) and introduced him into the ways of dactylology, dandelion wine, the Dewey decimal system, document fraud, dilettantism, and dumpster diving. He rose high in their ranks and their esteem until they discovered that he had attended law school on the sly, becoming a lawyer. “We thought he was just sneaking off every night to turn tricks. When we found out about the J.D., though, we realized that the corruption had reached the core. We couldn’t risk exposing impressionable children to such so-called “alternate lifestyles”, so we cut all ties and disowned him. He’s dead to us. And if the 27th Hawaiian Volunteer Regiment ever sees him in front of us again, while we’re running headlong in a rip-roaring bayonet charge, he’ll be dead to himself, too.”

Mr. Dixit is now a male “before” model for commercial advertisers, works on the side as a petty bureaucrat, and snags occasional weekend gigs as an object lesson for local Sunday School programs. He is on the run from authorities and lives under an assumed name with his dog. He and his inflatable wife are estranged, though he is optimistic about a reconciliation, citing his recent acquisition of a digital pressure gage.

Ipsit Dixit came to know Gorgius Vegetius long before Gorgius started blogging, before he entered the witness protection program after rolling over on Ipsit to turn state's evidence, and even before he had delusions (of grandure or otherwise). Their friendship goes back decades, and Ipsit wishes it to be known that he holds no ill will to GV, or Frankie “the weasel” Consigliore--as Ipsit once knew him--as he goes about his new life at 142 W. Kudzu Ln. in Poughkeepsie. Gorgius Vegetius declined to be interviewed for this bio.

Mr. Dixit met 5toeSloth while working his way through law school. “When little Ipsit snuck away from the re-enactors' encampment every night,” 5toe said, “the Hawaiians actually had it half right. Clerking for me was as close as you can get to turning tricks without eliminating the middle man.”

Hokusuai Octopi and Ipsit Dixit have been friends ever since they met in a city that has threatened to sue if it is ever uttered in the save breath with Mr. Dixit. Ipsit credits Hokusuai with introducing him to his wife. “Yes, she may have been a mail-order bride, but it is true love. They have so much in common intellectually and spiritually that you would have to call them soul mates,” said Mr. Octopi.

Asked tell his adoring readers about himself in 15 words or less, Ipsit Dixit said “It’s been a long, interesting slide from precocity to depravity, and when I close my.”